Image by TexasT's via Flickr
These definitions are ironic and satirical. They do not express my own views but rather those views I find to be troubling or nonsensical.
America: the place I disdain but in which I am eager to live.
Baby: the one you decided not to abort.
Chastity: archaic term rarely used today; if used today in secular circles, it often signifies having only one sexual partner at any particular moment, with no maximum lifetime limit.
Degree: a credential I get despite the absence of any philosophical curiosity.
Enemy: the one who tells me the truth about myself.
Fool: the one who does not do as I wish.
Good: what makes me popular.
Hate: someone's refusal to accept my lies.
Intellectual: someone with a cynical and jaded manner.
Joy: despair pretending to be happy.
Kill: an action still discouraged unless the target is in the womb.
Lie: what you need to do to get married.
Money: that whose loss or diminution is one of the few just causes for personal outrage.
Never: a meaningless adverb.
Outrage: see "Money."
Power: the basis of all human relations.
Quiet: an intolerable environmental hazard.
Risk: present when there is possible harm to me alone; absent when the harm falls on others.
Safe: an adjective applied to a natural activity that has been made dangerous, as in "safe sex" or "safe drinking water."
Truth: an irrelevant factor in praising those persons or institutions with social prestige.
Unsafe: what may cause me any inconvenience or require a sacrifice.
Vow: a temporary promise with no stated expiration date; also a promise whose violation is not discoverable by others.
Winning: what makes even the most repugnant person or group attractive.
X: formerly a rating for movies with the same content as contemporary prime-time television and radio; now replaced in the movie industry with the "PG" rating.
Yes: a word with infinitely variable meanings, relative to your circumstances.
Zoo: a general description of contemporary manners and relationships.